More SUVs Please!

2004 Hummer H1I love SUVs. I think they are sexy, metallic beasts that can take you from point A to be point B in impressive style. In my SUV I, like Arnold Schwarzenegger, will out-muscle you whenever I get the opportunity and on my high perch I continually lord over miniscule Mini-Coopers, Ford Mustangs and any other puny car that dares come near me.

I am king. I am enforcer. I am bigger than you and I like it. I need my SUV to feel this way and I always want feel this way. When I dropped massive coin to purchase this massive hunk of metal, it was with purpose. In my SUV, I am not small and insignificant. In my SUV I am a force to be reckoned with. Cut me off in a grocery line and I’ll be quiet; cut me off in my SUV and, well, watch out.

Sure I sacrifice fuel efficiency and parallel-parking ability but who cares. Ask me why I have an SUV and I’ll lie about how I need it to lug tractor tires around, to take entire soccer teams to games, to go off-roading or to pull the space shuttle for NASA but you’ll believe me. You will. If you don’t, I’ll get aggressive with you just as soon as I’m back in the safe comfort of my SUV.

Everything I lose in cost or ease I gain in confidence. My higher line of sight, the added safety component, save for increased likelihood of rolling,  or ability to climb mountains is nice but not my main reason for purchase. I want, no crave, power. I can’t be taller, I probably can’t intimidate you and I sure as hell can’t be a super-hero but I can be all of these things in my SUV. If you don’t believe me, you haven’t seen me in my ride; and you won’t want to…

4And you know what, I am an American so I deserve and SUV. I am living the American dream so why I shouldn’t I spend my hard-earned money as I please? Countries like Italy and India are starting to get SUVs now so even though they are bit behind, they know what’s up. ‘Murica does not run on Dunkin’ no, it runs over you in a large SUV. If you don’t like it, well, too bad sucka! If you don’t drive an SUV, you aren’t living and that goes for every stars-and-striper, from Boston to Detroit to San Francisco to infinity and beyond. SUVs rule, everything else drools!

2 thoughts on “More SUVs Please!

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