“All things truly wicke…

"All things truly wicked start from innocence." Ernest Hemingway

Innocence is a precious commodity. Innocence is a gift you receive when you are young. Innocence, once lost, is irreplaceable. It cannot be replaced. It cannot be bought. It cannot be bartered for. It is the most wonderful thing in the world that you cannot fully appreciate until it is gone...

How did you lose your innocence? Perhaps the question assumes to much in very it's asking but perhaps not. How you lost your innocence is full dependent on your definition since there are many ways to 'lose it.' A few examples include being sexually active for the first time, the loss of a loved one, the failed realization of a life's dream, getting older and discovering how jaded and imperfect our elders were are, broken promises or that moment when you learn that you aren't indestructible, invincible or untouchable---based on your definition, can you pinpoint yours?

My proverbial 'cherry' was popped a few years ago when I was mugged in the Baltimore projects on a Sunday, yes Sunday, morning. My wallet was emptied, my phone stolen and face punched multiple times but all that still pales in comparison to what I actually lost--my innocence.

By nature, I am very trusting and I have always tended to expect the best out of people which, yes, is quite naive but that is the beauty and gift of innocence. Like a child, I was innocent, naive and trusting because I had no reason not to be. Having lived all over the world, including east coast cities like Atlanta, I never thought anything 'terrible' could happen to me.

Anxiety is the beginning of conscience, which is the parent of the soul but is not compatible with innocence. - Angela Carter

At least for me, the loss of innocence has been replaced by the naughty charcoal that is anxiety.  Once you are less trusting and naive, you begin to expect 'bad' or undesirable things to happen (to you) and you might feel anxious in new situations. Sadly, losing innocence in any capacity seems to require it to be filled by something else. Like Rand Robert R. Jordan's Eye of the World series, you are tainted. Agony and ecstasy become more interchangeable. Life, as you knew it, has been ever-so-slighlty tilted.

Thankfully, there is hope in the perpetual healer that is 'time.' Past woes diminish in importance and future happiness is there for the taking. With age comes the loss of youthful innocence but it brings with it wisdom and understanding. If you think I am just waxing poetic, don't. Last week I moved to inner city Boston to being graduate school and I am willing, and excited, to live in a city. I'm sure to have anxious moments here and there, both for myself and my wife, but, as Kurt Vonnegut says, "so it goes."

Exercise log:
Time? - 3 mile run (with A.R.M.)

Rain, Rain.

"And when it rains on your parade, look up rather than down. Without the rain, there would be no rainbow." Gilbert K. Chesterton

Is there anything more depressing than rain? Like bullets dropping from the sky, rain just blows in and snuffs out the sun leaving behind a darker world. The sun has retreated in defeat while the rain marches on crushing the spirits of beach-goers, drivers, hikers and bikers alike in prolonged victory. If you look closely, you can hear the rain rub it in as it tap tap taps on the windows of your covered fortress as it mocks you incessantly. Rain 1, your world 0.

It is possible that a beautiful rainbow might emerge but it won't bring a pot of gold with it that gives you back the outdoor time you lost. Your day is dreary, your mood is foul and your possessions are wet yet a rainbow will make it all better? Try band-aiding a broken bone and see if that helps (it won't) or other such futile endeavors that will leave you broken and depressed. To be blunt, rain sucks.

And yet, does it really? I have always been enamored with rain because of the wonderful gift it gives me: time! Rain creates little pockets of precious time that helps with productivity, relaxation and indoor comfort. Gone are the expectations to go for a run, mow the lawn, run errands or work in the garden or any such thing. In it's place you'll find that moment to read, write, drink tea, cook and on and on and on....

There is no perfect reaction to rain since the often incorrectly predicted action can come at inopportune moments but remember that the live-giving substance gives you the ability to react as you like so take full advantage and embrace it (not literally though that would be funny). Enjoy your parade as best you can and, like with Skittles, taste your rainbow!

Rain, rain, don't  go away...


Exercise log:
? - Insanity

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